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May 22nd, 2008
11:04 am
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
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March 23rd, 2008
06:25 pm
One of my best friends wrote not too long ago:
"The painful truth doesn't hurt as much as a soft lie"
And I will cling to this statement for as long as I can.
Because it's as honest as honest can be.
Every single one of you remember that and see fit to practice what it states.
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March 5th, 2008
09:32 pm
My past couple weeks were as follows::::
Paula, a good friend of the family was hospitalized, she had a severe heart attack and was unconscious
Lacey left me, decided she hated me, decided she didn't hate me, wanted to be friends, wanted to stop talking, wanted to keep talking, continues to change her mind.
My Grandfather had a massive stroke and was hospitalized, operated on, and in stable condition, when all the sudden complications arose and he had brain surgery, is still in the hospital and has yet to wake up.
Paula passed away due to lack of oxygen being sent to the brain, or so I believe.
I caught a 10 day stomach virus that's "Going around" I continue to get horrible headaches and feel lightheaded and dizzy.
My grandmother just got rushed to the hospital due to lack of oxygen and unresponsiveness.
I'm home watching my brother sleep, I can't breathe through my nose, I can't think about anything except how dizzy I am and how I hope my grandparents are okay.
I can't help but think about what's going to happen with Lacey and I, I can't help feeling useless and low.
I can't help but worry so much about everything, or realize how strong my mother is for putting up with all this bullshit and not having super aneurysms.
All I can do is worry, and cough and drink water.
All I can do is hope and pray and drink water.
All I can do is piss my bladder away because I'm drinking eight gallons of water a day nowadays and all I can do is continue to say I'm not hungry cause I'm not.
I eat sometimes because I know if I don't my health will digress.
But I haven't been hungry in a good couple weeks.
I haven't been happy for more than an hour at a time in a while.
I need a giant hug
I need someone to sit and watch scrubs with me.
I need someone to tell me they love me.
And mean it.
I need support right now.
and I just don;t feel like I have that anymore.
Maybe I never did.
Maybe I never will.
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March 2nd, 2008
12:27 pm - Hurricane Tyler :
I think it's happening
I'm slowly becoming who I want to be.
It took sixteen years of angst and supercilious bullshit.
But I'm merging.
It's like, there have always been two Tylers.
One docile, kid, the good student, the lowly submissive kid who keeps his place and doesn't tempt fate and whatnot.
And then the other Tyler, the one who slacks off and talks out of line, who question's authority and is quite dominant in most situations.
It's like a Hulk situation, or a Fight Club thing.
I still find it funny his name is Tyler.
I'm slowly becoming the better me.
A balance in between that leads me to roll with the blows.
I'm officially the king of handling situations.
I'm convinced that after these past couple weeks, nothing will ever defeat me.
If I can over come this, I'll be complete, I can feel the break around the bend and I and running full speed into tomorrow.
and hopefully she'll be there.
I've realized why I love her, truly have.
She's the only person, in this little world, who's always been there for me and been completely honest.
She doesn't sugarcoat anything just because I'm a reack or feeling down, and some people may call that bitchy, but I call that clarity.
She is what I want in life.
I'm not sure how I'm going to get there yet, but I want to end up with her.
Somehow, someday.
And I'm almost positive she feels the same.
Two weeks seems like forever.
It's only fourteen days.
in those few days, I'm going to be stronger than I'd ever been.
I'm going to be a man.
I never viewed myself as an actual person.
Never thought myself physically or emotionally strong.
But now,
I'm a fucking force of nature.
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February 18th, 2008
10:28 pm - Dr. Cox says:
"Relationships don't work the way the do in TV and the movies, will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they are happy forever, give me a break, 9 outta 10 of them end because they weren't right for eachother to begin with and half the ones who get married get divorced anyway. I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and in some cultures a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, Cause I do, believe in it.
Bottom line, couples that are truly right for eachother wade through the same shit as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship everytime.
If it's right
And they're real lucky,
...One of them says something."
I Fucking Love Scrubs.
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February 12th, 2008
07:25 pm - is it cocky?
I don't think she realizes how lucky she was.
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February 11th, 2008
09:33 pm - Memories are forever
The good times were great.
The bad times were better.
here's to never forgetting what makes me the man I am today.
And here's to never forgetting that every second was worth it.
I should be devastated, and in ways I am.
But I can't help but smile.
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February 5th, 2008
08:12 pm
P.S.
For Myself.
For My friends.
For my family.
Forever.
Straight Fucking edge.
:)
<3
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08:04 pm
Parties are retarded.
On special occasions they are pretty shwanky, but just a random party to have an excuse to get drunk is dumb.
Maybe it's just me.
Just cause I'm still edge.
I've stopped making a big deal about it.
I've stopped flaunting and admitting I'm edge, because it's a big reason I don't have any close friends anymore.
All my close friends decided that drugs are superfun, so if I don't do drugs, I obviously am no longer cool enough to chill with them.
So I don't.
I chill at home and kill my days by doing nothing.
I chill with Lacey on her days off unless she's doing something, like going to a party.
Is it wrong that Ig et uneasy when she goes to a party without me.
I know she doesn't bring me because she know I don't like stupid get drunk/ high parties.
And I know she likes the occasional drink, as most people do.
I just have this super feeling of helplessness.
Like, if she gets in trouble or something bad happens, not only can I not do anything about, because I'm not there, but I wont even know.
I trust her, with my whole being, but shit happens.
I overreact, you should all know that by now.
Maybe I should start getting drunk, from what I hear it's rather fun, and it's not like I have health to preserve.
But we all know I'm not going to.
We all know Tyler's a good kid, who tells dumb jokes and annoys the hell out of everyone because he's dying to feel important.
He just wants a reaction like "That was cute"
Instead of "That was stupid."
I'm hearing it from everyone lately.
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February 1st, 2008
11:22 pm
What is love?
Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me.
No more.
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December 25th, 2007
12:01 am
You know what makes me feel better about growing up?
The people who wont leave LJ behind.
So in twenty so years I'll know exactly what Matt B, Kelsey and Devin H, and the Donko sisters are doing.
Even though none of us are 'Close' or at least not super close to a best friend standard, it's something that won't change.
It feels nice.
So here's to the next twenty years, may your lives always be filled with enough events to blog your hearts out.
Even if it feels like nobody reads.
I will.
And I'll still care when we've all forgotten these times.
So here's to being the best aquaintances ever.
Sincerely,
-Tyler
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October 29th, 2007
10:53 pm
It's funny how a simple kiss can fix everything.
It's only going to get better.
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October 25th, 2007
09:03 pm
No one calls.
Nobody cares.
It's hard to feel otherwise right now.
I want to feel important again.
Feeling needed is the greatest sensation in the world.
That's why people love sex so much, because deep down you know the other party couldn't of done it without you.
You give yourself worth and become important.
I miss being important.
I miss being needed.
I miss her and it's only been twenty four hours.
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October 8th, 2007
05:48 pm
So a couple entries ago.
I totally called it.
I've got nothing but downtime and casual friends.
I'm seriously reconsidering everything I do.
I've got very few hobbies.
All of them, are just wastes of time, in my opinion.
The only kid I talked to outside of school other than Lacey moved.
So I officially have no one to chill with anymore.
My car is pretty much scrapped.
My girlfriend is getting more and more busy lately.
I don't feel very included in anyone else's life anymore.
I keep having fucking mood swings.
Happy, sad, frustraded, giddy.
Everyday is downtime.
On the days I see Lacey things are amazing, but it feels like she's getting bored.
I want to make things great again.
I want to talk on the phone for hours again instead of the new four minute marks.
I want to live in the past.
Because I'm scared to grow up.
I hate being serious.
And I hate annoying myself.
It's just hard to feeling meaningful on days like this.
Where theres nothing to do and no one to do it with.
Someone console me?
Someone do something.
This feeling will come and go a hundred times.
It's a chance everyday.
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September 10th, 2007
10:33 pm
Cody wants me to do the talent show.
even though my singing has improved, I'm not comfortable with my voice.
eh, I dunno
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August 24th, 2007
11:26 pm
When you're with someone long enough, you begin to take them for granted.
You assume they'll always be there.
Tonight, I reminded myself she might not always be there.
I might not have this best friend forever.
I know my ideals aren't realistic, but that's why they're ideals.
I reread every note.
I looked at every doodle.
I examined my life from the moment it started.
I can honestly say that whatever happens, I can look back on this moment in my life and say "Those were the best times."
No matter who I end up with I'll always think "That was the best girl."
I ramble and I repeat myself at times.
I stutter when I'm talking about things I don't know about.
I figured that out the other day.
I've been hanging out with friends I'd felt like I'd lost, and maybe that's the problem.
Maybe what used to be passion turned into routine for her, maybe it's just fatigue from the first school week.
Whatever the reason, I just want to make her life as wonderful as it can possibly be.
I want to make her the happiest girl in the freaking world.
I used to do that.
I need to step up my game, I need to fill in the gap I left for myself.
I need to stop doing this.
Stop overthinking.
But if I do that the stagnant problems might progress.
Who knows.
When it all boils down I just want her to know one thing:
Whatever happens, whatever joy or sadness, I just want to share it with you, and I want you to share it with me.
I'm going to be here for you. I'm someone you can show your weaknesses to, I'm someone you can trust.
I'm Tyler Cyr,
And I fucking love you.
And now I wish I was still on the phone with her.
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August 21st, 2007
10:37 pm
Got my license, went to pick up my car to get it's brake lights fixed, celebrated said license at MccyD's with Cody, Austin, and Noah.
As I turned onto DEl Prado my brakes went phooey.
I had no control over the car.
So I pop my car into reverse, because I did want to get hit by a minivan
And I roll my car to tire kingdom, I bitch at the lady for like an hour.
They just fixed my brakes earlier this week.
And my little brother was in the car.
Fucking scariest thing ever when you have no brakes going down a hill onto Del Prado.
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August 19th, 2007
08:49 pm
So I've gotta read four books and write an essay by 7:15 tomorrow.
Also, I need some sleep in between.
\wee
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August 12th, 2007
12:56 am
Birthday in less than 24 hours.
Pretty excited just to be a bit older and not feel like a young'n for a while.
In other news.
Life is pretty sweet/
I have an amazing girl
I have an amazing guitar
I have an amazing car
That's all I ever need in life.
I'm good.
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July 29th, 2007
02:37 am
Have you ever felt completely useless.
Powerless to the fullest extent.
When you see something bad happening.
Something utterly repulsive.
And there is nothing you can do.
It's the shittiest feeling in the world.
The simple fact you can't help someone you love in a time of need is enough to kill me.
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